Happy New Year. I missed New Year this year... and my brother's birthday party... which really sucks and makes me feel like a cruddy sister. And I was really looking forward to our neighborhood's little New Year's Eve party and fireworks. Oh well...

The reason for me missing two parties in a row is that for the past 36 hours I have been floating in and out of semiconsciousness on my bed in severe pain, stirring only for the occasional agonizing crawl to and from the bathroom. Yes, my friends. Stomach flu. aka, the worst thing on the face of the planet.

If this is an omen of things to come, 2010 is going to suck.

Just wanted to wish everybody a merry Christmas, since I probably won't get the chance to any time other than now. Like everyone else, I'm busy from now until Christmas, and then the day after Christmas we're leaving for a week in the mountains, coming home on New Year's Eve and my little brother's birthday, and then going back to school that Monday. Wooh!

Been so busy! School got out on Friday; I had all my exams last week. Already got a few scores back. I fail at Chemistry. Actually, it was a C. But that's failing in my book. And the reason why you guys probably won't see me much from now on (not that I'm ever actually active here or anything...) My average for the class is quite possibly a C now. We get our semester grades after we get back from break on January 4. If it is a C, I have no computer for the rest of the school year. My parents are super strict about grades.

On a happier note, Christmas is in four days! Its my favorite holiday by far; I love every last little bit: Christmas trees, fireplaces, stockings (!), music, baking, the Spirit... every last little bit. Its always just bittersweet, though, because when it finally gets here it means no more Christmas for another 11 months. So I guess I'm going to have to soak up as much holiday spirit as I can in the next four days! Today's my first and last day home alone for the next two weeks, so I'm going to make the most of it! Probably a long walk with my Skippy (if it gets above 50 degrees... yeah, anything below 50 is COLD to my skinny little butt), cookie baking for Grandpa, and Christmas movie watching!

What's everybody's favorite part of Christmas? I just love curling up on the couch and looking at the tree with all the presents wrapped up pretty underneath. I could care less if they are for me or not, I just love looking at wrapped presents. It makes me happy.

Okay, just wanted to let everybody know that even though I don't comment much or anything, I look at and read almost everything. And I'm sorry I don't upload any art anymore. Its been shoved... well, it hasn't even been shoved onto the back burner. Its been shoved all the way off the stove, metaphorically speaking. Art is just something that's not in my life anymore. I guess I've grown out of it, or something. At least for the time being. Between my ED issues, school, and trying to live, I just can't add anything else. And honestly, I don't even know where my tablet pen is anymore.

Hey everybody! Everyone had a great Thanksgiving, I hope? Mine was pretty good! I was super proud of myself--I didn't restrict (hardly) at all! I mean, I skipped all other meals except the Thanksgiving feast, but that's normal, right? It was a great dinner, a lot better than I was even expecting! No anxiety, no nothing. I had a little bit of everything I wanted--turkey, stuffing, cranberry sauce, sweet potato, cornbread casserole, green bean casserole (only a spoonful, though, because my mom dropped it on the floor and there was only enough left for everyone to have a taste!), and of course the obligatory cheese ball appetizer. No dessert though. My stomach hurt. But I saved a piece of each of the kind of pies to enjoy over the next week or so! I am having a bit of anxiety about that, but I'm just repeating to myself to relax, if I don't feel like eating it, then no problem. But if I want it, have it! Its so weird to describe how this ED makes you feel... its like you really, really DO want the food, but you also really, really DON'T because of the fear and anxiety.

OH! And I went to the doctor's on Wednesday. My official weight is now 110lbs. That was my goal! Its a happy compromise that I can live with, and also pleases my mom and my doctor. Would I rather be thinner? Maybe 105 or so? Yes. I would love to. But I'm forcing myself not to. I HAVE to do this. No options. Because I know if I say "I'm just going to lose 5lbs", when I get to 105, I'm going to say "now, just 5 more..." And then I'm going to just go back to where I was to begin with. IF I do decide I want to lose a bit, I'm going to wait until at least next year, when hopefully I'll be nice and balanced again. AND I will do it the healthy way. But hopefully by that time my body perception won't be skewed anymore, and I'll see myself as slim as I know I really am (but just can't see).

Anyways, enough on that! Onto something way more fun!

I RAN MY FIRST 5K!

It was a ton of fun; I can't wait to do it again. I had the CRAPPIEST start in the history of the world. Basically, long story short, I had to go to the bathroom, so I got shuttled up to the park's main building, was promptly forgotten, had to wave down a random bus, and sprinted to the start to hit the very back of the pack of WALKERS (i.e. I was separated from the runners by a huge glob of ridiciously slow and, um, LARGE people) just as the gun went off. I had to like elbow my way through a ton of people to get to my pace group. I didn't cross the start line until almost a minute after the clock started, so that sucked. But besides that, it was fun! In case you don't know that's 3.2 miles! Around the 2.5 mile mark I started getting tired and slacked my pace a little (I blame this huge hill... lol), but until then I was going strong (by my pace standards)! Finished 34:55, but I know that's wrong, because of my start issues... so cut off a minute or so.

The overall female winner and everyone who placed in the female and male age groups for 15-19 was from my school's cross-country team! GO DUTCH FORK! We have the best team in the state.

Okay, lets see... well, its Christmas time now and I can be Christmasy without feeling like a loon! I put up three trees at my grandparent's house on Wednesday, and we're decorating my house's three today and tomorrow. Okay, but right now, I'm going to go finish my workout. I did half before breakfast (20 min of ab, 20 min on the stat bike), and I'm going to go do another 40 min on the stat bike. I'm repeating to myself that I am NOT purging through exercise (probably what I still struggle with the most), I'm just giving myself some extra to do today because (besides for a 20 min and a 30 min ab workout and 40 min walk) I haven't done any serious exercise since that 5K on Tuesday night. Yes. No purging here. AND I ate breakfast this morning. The Thanksgiving leftover sandwich I've been craving for months now (i.e. turkey, cranberry sauce, and stuffing numnum).

First off, I have to pay my tribute to my country's veterns. Thank you so much for your courage and strength and devotion to keeping me safe. I owe you so much; we all do. God bless.

And now, on to other things... like the fact that there's only one and half months left 'til Christmas! Veterns' Day always means one thing to me: the start of the holiday season! So, yeah, I'm excited about that. I've already started my annual binge on all things Christmas. I'm blasting Christmas music, reading Christmas books, drinking Christmas teas from Celestial Seasonings (Sugar Cookie Sleigh Ride is ah-mazing!), doodling Christmas stars, trees, and presents in the margins of my notes at school... and yeah. All that.

ED's going well, too. I'm going to try and stop calorie counting as of tomorrow. I've tried this several times before, and it usually leds to major restriction and/or nervous breakdowns... but I've been doing so good... I really want to be normal for the holiday season, you know? Want it so bad.

But something I want even more... Cheyenne. Been a while since you guys' heard that name, hmm? God, I miss her like hell right now. Been reduced to tears a couple times this week. Probably partially or in whole because of my Christmasness... its hard for me to fill myself with all that love for God without remembering and aching for a bit of the love I once felt from a very special horse. Its been almost 17 months since I've touched her. If I could just touch her... or see her just once...

Anyways. Enough of that. Don't need more waterworks. I miss riding so damn much, too. I haven't ridden since mid-March. Months ago. And I won't be able to until March of NEXT YEAR. Ugh. I pulled out some pictures while cleaning my room the other day, of me riding, and I wanted to ride again so bad it gave me a bellyache. Just watching myself perched on the back of this beautiful horse named Louie (I rode him in Florida a couple years ago) cantering around and jumping... it actually hurt.

HOW DID THIS JOLLY CHRISTMAS JOURNAL TURN INTO A BELLYACHING SESSION? lol. Okay, I won't bore you with my life any further. Feel free to carry on. Bye ya'll.

Happy Halloween!

Things have been going really good lately. I feel like I finally have gotten a secure handle on my ED. Not only am I eating more, but I'm actually relaxing a little bit around food. The obsessive tendencies are starting to fade a teensy bit. Last night, I had two pieces of candy. Without panicking, without guilt. That's freakin' AMAZING.

Sorry. Done patting myself on the back. Oh, wait--not quite. I had a great and awesomely epic run this morning. I love getting up early on Saturdays and taking that morning run. It just makes me feel so peaceful and relaxed. And I ran a half a mile farther, while still going faster, than I usually do.

Now, real quick, I got to brag on my little brother. His little league time kicks butt! Won every single game this season! The championship is actually going on right now--but I'm a bad big sister and skipped. But I went to every other game, so he didn't mind. I hope they win! He plays second base, and he's awesome at it. And center field, sometimes. He's one of the best players! Him, Matthew (the pitcher), and Austin (first baseman) are the stars. I'm so proud of him!

Okay. Reallly, I'm done boasting now.

So, yeah... awesome things are happening in my life. God's amazing like that.

And, to top off my perfectly blissful day, the sun is peeking out! Thunderstorms were forecasted all day today, and it was misting when I was running this morning, but gradually the clouds have been receding... hopefully we'll have a dry Halloween! I'm taking the kids out trick-or-treating with a couple of the other older sisters on the block. Should be fun!

Anyways. I'm off to try and download Zoo Tycoon 2 on this computer, since I've been wanting to play that for a while. While its doing that, I might as well get the other half of my ab work done... okay, one more quick little boast: I got a four-pack! I've worked so hard for it, so I just had to tell you guys!

OMG LOOK AT ALL THAT SUNLIGHT THAT JUST STREAMED THROUGH THE WINDOW!

Life's an awesome thing, you guys know that?